Oh the tears...

I admit that as a mommy, I frequently gravitate toward the easier/quicker fixes. Peanut can't stand tummy time after 5 minutes and starts freaking out, I pick her up. Peanut can't fall asleep, I nurse her. My rationale has been that she's little and needs to feel secure, etc. That whole recreating the womb concept since she's new around here. Now that she's five months, I can't really rely on this. She's growing up. She's outgrown that notion of needing a "fourth trimester". Now it's my turn. So I'm in desperate need of new tactics and a new over all parenting philosophy. For some reason, I decided that yesterday had to be THE day.

Ever since she caught the sniffles last week, her napping has been erratic. I could only get her to sleep for 20-minute stretches in her crib. This won't do. I put her down for a PM nap awake and encouraged her to fall asleep on her own. Oh the tears. From both of us. I'm trying out the check in on her after 5-10-15-20 minutes technique. The first four minutes go by without much incident. I hear her babbling away to herself or her mobile. Then she starts to get upset. I go in. She's fine again. I leave the room. She then proceeds to cry for the next 10 minutes. Meanwhile, I'm lying down in my bed wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Finally, at the 10 minute mark I go into her room to calm her down and give her a paci ('cause it's always something). I explain to her the importance of napping in her life, how I'm just in the next room if she really needs me and that I won't be back in for 15 minutes. She immediately starts wailing. Each minute that goes by is excruciating. I find that I can't keep lying in my bed or time won't move on. I go to sort the mail. Pick up the house a bit. She's crying hysterically. I quietly peek in to make sure she isn't in some sort of dire predicament. Nope. Just pissy. I know this because when I go in and talk to her, she's fine and dandy. Now I'm just getting plain upset here myself. Each cry pierces my soul. I know that may come across as over dramatic... but that's how it is. I want to cave and rush in to stop her cries and make her happy again. Instead, I call Bob at work for a pep talk. He isn't around. I leave a pitiful message on his voice mail and head straight for the pint of ice cream in the freezer. A few spoonfuls to fill up my sadness. Doesn't work, though. To make a long story not so long, she ended up falling asleep five minutes shy of the 20 minute visit mark. Fifteen minutes of more mutual misery. You would think I'd feel good about this turn of events, but it made me feel more horrible. My kid had to cry herself to sleep. I feel like I broke her little spirit. Bob finally called me back. He's able to be much more tough. He tries to spin this sitcho into a whole "giving her the tools necessary to rely on herself" spiel. He's right. But it doesn't feel right. There has to be another sleep answer besides crying it out. I feel cruel.

This is the thing I have to reconcile. Doing what's "best" for her in the long run even if it's hard and unpopular. And makes me feel miserable. I was in a funk for the rest of the night.